Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Guest Blogger - Pootie

Even people who love to cook walk in the kitchen some nights and say, "I just can't do it. I don't wanna do it. I'm not gonna do it.". This was one of those nights. Pootie and I didn't especially want to go out either, though, and he's not a "bowl of cereal and call it a night" kind of guy. So he volunteered to cook, and in a rare moment of weakness, I said "Knock yourself out." It cannot be said that Pootie is a bad cook. But it also cannot be said that Pootie is necessarily a good cook. I don't give him a lot of opportunity - I'm kind of a kitchen hog. There WAS the Cold Greasy Fish Toast for breakfast Incident, but beyond that, he knows his way around the kitchen all right. Then of course, being the cocky egomaniac that he is, he insisted on blogging about his masterpiece.

So without further ado or explanation, I turn the blog keys over to Pootie to drive. (I'm in charge of pictures, though.)

I’m honored to be guest-blogging at Café 305 tonight—we have a great show for you—Taran Azbekstanu is with us tonight—yes, OK--from the hit NBC sitcom Fat Stupid and Lazy Mr. Jim Mistermeaner—our ever-popular Fun With Household Current segment—a-a-and supporting their strong new release Fungal Love, Gluttons for Punishment are our musical guests tonight.

OK so the proprietor of this establishment was just really needing a break tonight and actually asked me to cook. Now some things just don’t happen. Dogs don’t order spinach canapés in tapas bars. Crack whores don’t take American Express. Andie doesn’t ask me to cook. In fact, when I have cooked in the past, my offerings tended to be met with the enthusiasm normally reserved for occasions such as the first Monday of junior high or an animate reminder that it’s time to renew your Orkin contract. But all great chefs know that connecting with the right audience is key, and Andie just wasn’t the right audience for my unique Asian-Southwestern Fusion Cuisine. So she cooks, and I eat and express appreciation. As any of you who’ve been here before probably realize, appreciation is certainly in order.

But tonight it was time to shine. Time to bring the excellence to an unexpected place. Time for another shot at connecting with that audience while the audience sat in the doorway and read Bon Appetit. Nothing conventional would do, of course, so I went down to the Special Reserve cellar of my creative powers and brought up the future of culinary accomplishment.

Me. In Action.

Without further ado, readers—the menu.

Norddeutscher seared beef auf Brot

Whole ear of maize cuites à l'eau

Shredded chou à la moutarde et le vinaigre mayonnaise

(It's Andie - Isn't the Google Translator a wonderful thing? And isn't French just the best language for adding some pomposity?)

The uninitiated rarely realize that a masterpiece is usually just a slight twist on an old theme, or a re-combination of familiar ingredients. Those themes and those familiar ingredients are old and familiar for good reasons. What artists such as myself are able to do is alter them just enough to give a jaded palate that “a-ha!” moment of re-discovery. When it happens, it makes all the work worthwhile—trust me.

Do not work the ground beef more than necessary. Season it with Cavender’s and sea salt. Throw the patties on a 500-600 degree clean grill, sear on one side until upper side is no longer pink but still wet, then flip and sear other side. Remove within two minutes. If it is not deep pink when bitten into and doesn’t deposit a generous pool of red and clear jus on the plate and down your chin, it is ruined, and Andie will say it all silently with her eyes. Serve on quick-toasted whole wheat buns with no chemicals.

I have NEVER figured what that ee-iz, but shredded chou à la moutarde et le vinaigre mayonnaise just seems to come alive if most of the kitchen is bespeckled with shredded chou during its preparation. Also, if there is major shredded chou clean-up to be done, it allows much of the maize water to boil away which will need to be replenished. This helps to concentrate the water flavor much more effectively than a single boil-down.

Andie strongly prefers her Norddeutscher seared beef auf Brot with a slice of fromage faible en gras américaine, and it’s no accident that our on-premises fromagerie produces our own special house brand; we’ve named it Kraft as a nod to its usual role as an accompaniment to the Teutonic stand-by I’ve riffed on tonight.

So that’s really about it—as the Gilded Age tycoon reputedly told the dock-walker, “If you have to ask, you can’t afford it”—if you need ingredients lists and step-by-step instructions here, there’s no way you have the mojissimus maximatissimus to put this meal on a plate. Sorry but there it is. For the rest of you, I hope it rocks your rarefied atmosphere with the subsonic vibrations. From Café 305, this is Poo-tay Kickin’ Boo-tay signing off. We now return you to your regularly-scheduled programming.

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